SoulCalibur 2 Women's Master Mode
by Genya
Summary: You'd think that carrying around a big honkin' sword would really impress women, wouldn't you? Then again, those demon arms are kinda creepy...Rated T for innuendo, violence, alcohol, brief language and other things chilluns shouldn't be reading about.
1. Look Out, Ladies!

disclaimer- I do not own anything involving SC2 (except for one game, but that's neither here nor there). Namco has full legal rights and crud to SC2. Since this is a non-profit fanfic, I'm legal! (which means, of course, that no one would gain anything by suing me, unless you really want a pair of my pants, and you know I'd only give you the pair that has blue hair dye splattered on it)

And now, against their (and my) better judgement, and Illusory Studios (that's me!) do so present

CHAPTER ONE: LOOK OUT, LADIES!

The cavern tomb was dark and secluded, air stiff and oppressive and reeking of mold and decay. Steady breaths shifted the unmoving air, lungs gasping in what little breathable oxygen was left.

"Why? Why am I so damned?" a dark, hoarse voice of sorrow echoed in the barren stone walls. Metal clinked and scraped as something moved around in the darkness.

"Why must I be so alone?"

::You have me.:: a voice whispered in the something's head.

"Yes, but I want something, no, _someone_ else. Someone to ease my pain, my suffering."

::Don't you love me? Don't I ease your pain? Let me ease you pain.::

"No. You would only make the pain worse."

::Let me try. Let me try to stop the suffering.::

"This is something," the form paused, "you cannot ease."

::Why?::

"You don't have boobs."

::Oh, for chrissakes, Seig! That's your soul-wrenching, heart-stabbing problem!?::

"Yes!"

::Then walk out of the tomb, go to a bar and get yourself a hooker!::

"I shall do that!" The form struck a dramatic pose.

"I shall find myself a whore!"

SOULCALIBUR 2.5- WOMEN'S MASTER MODE

Nightmare strode purposefully from the dank crypt, Soul Edge slung over his shoulder. His free hand shielded his sensitive blue eyes from the glaring sun.

"It's been so long since we've seen the sun."

::Yes,:: Soul Edge said, ::yes it has. Damn bright, too.::

"No shit." Nightmare replied. He whipped out a pair of shades and donned them, looking exceptionally badass.

::The town shouldn't be far from here, a day's walk at most.::

"Then we shall walk!"

And they walked. And walked. And walked some more. Near sunset, no sign of a town in sight, Nightmare started to get a little edgy.

"A day's walk, eh Blinky?" he snarled.

::Don't call me Blinky, Seig!::

"Then why isn't there a town!?"

::The town is north of the crypt.::

"SO!?"

::You went south.::

"... Shit."

Two days had passed since Nightmare had left the tomb. His long, golden hair clung to the glistening film of sweat coating his flesh. Soul Edge's eye strained against the glaring sun. The desert cast eerie mirages to draw the pair towards certain death.

"Need... water." Nightmare gasped out. He pulled himself along, using Soul Edge like a walking stick.

::I see it! I see the town!:: Soul Edge yelled joyfully. Nightmare's eyese widened.

"Where? Where!?"

::There!:: The sword's eye pointed dead ahead. Nightmare leapt and charged, holding Soul Edge in both hands, towards the town.

diddly-splip!

"Happy birthday, Talim!" Xianghua cheered, tossing confetti all over. Ivy blew some colorful paper out of her hair, scowling at Xianghua. Talim's eyes glittered happily.

"So, now that you're eighteen, what would you like to do?" Taki asked, breasts flouncing about gratiutiously for how little she moved.

"I never thought about that." Talim said, eyes wide and innocent. Ivy gagged.

"Well, we'll have to do something about that." the whipstress quipped. The other girls looked at her, curious.

"Huh? Fix what?" Talim asked.

"That cute, innocent crap. You need to get laid." Talim's eyes went wide. Taki and Xianghua nodded approvingly.

"She's just the right age, too." Xianghua said.

"I'm sure we'll find a nice guy at the bar downtown who'd be willing." Taki added, rack trying to escape the confines of her shirt.

"All right, it's settled!" Ivy proclaimed, leaping from her chair. "Today, Talim gets laid."

And with that, Talim was whisked away for a day of booze, merriment and sweet, hot lovin'.

diddly-splip!

A gaggle of girls swarmed around a table near the back, all of them prostrating themselves very suggestively. A glove-covered hand rose above the ladies' heads.

"Oh, barkeep! My friends are quite parched. Could you bring us some refreshments?" a slightly cocky male voice spoke. The girls giggled and blushed, moving to clear the table. The barkeep came over and sat down a pitcher of ale and several mugs. The same hand deposited several coins in the barkeep's hand. He walked off and went back behind the counter.

"Oh," one luscious young woman said, "you are too kind, mister Sorel."

"Please, my dear. Call me _Raphael_." he said, stroking her cheek with the back of his hand. The girl swooned on the verge of ectasy, fanning herself.

Seated at the bar, Yoshimitsu frowned behind his grinning white mask. He dropped his ale and bowed his head.

"Damn Frenchie. He makes it so hard for us to get women. Doesn't he, Voldo?" he asked, nudging Voldo with his elbow.

"Hissss." (read: Yep) Voldo hissed.

"Between Raph, Yunsung and Maxi, we just don't stand a chance."

"Hiss." (Nope) Voldo pulled a strap of cloth out of his mouth and downed a shot of whiskey, bringing the small glass down on the counter hard. The barkeep glared at him. Voldo took no notice of his ill-favored glare. He promptly had another shot poured by Yoshi.

"Maybe there's something we haven't thought of. Something those three have figured out." Yoshimitsu pondered. Voldo did ponder with him. Indeed, the two pondered themselves into a deep trance, one so deep that they forgot about the mass orgy going on at Sorel's table. That, and the terrified screams issuing from outside the bar, the bar door flying in tiny splinters up to the front and shattering several mirrors and bottles of liquor.

The barkeep did swear heavily.

"Need more... fluids!" Yoshi blinked and snapped out of his thoughts.

"That voice, so familiar. Indeed, so is that line." he said. He turned to look at the bar door (at least, where it had been). Yoshi leapt up, arms widespread in joy.

"Nightmare! I haven't seen you since..." he began. Nightmare rushed forward and snatched Yoshi by the throat, demonic hand closing around his windpipe.

"My thirst is endless!" Nightmare growled. Yoshimitsu waved frantically at the barkeep. Voldo prodded the cowering barkeep with Ayus and procured a glass of cool water. He took the glass to Nightmare and pulled Yoshimitsu away from the crazed knight. Nightmare downed the water in seconds, discarding the glass and staggering to the bar, dragging Soul Edge behnid him. He took a seat, slammed his fist on the counter and demanded something to drink. A shaking hand produced a bottle of beer. Nightmare popped toe lid off with a demon claw and took a long drink. He sat the bottle down gently, thoroughly contented. His demon arm reached behind the counter and took the barkeep by his shirt, pulling the shaking man up.

"Thanks. How much'll that be?" Nightmare asked. The barkeep held up three fingers in response. Nightmare tossed three coins onto the counter and let go of the barkeep. He returned to his drink and leaned back, smiling.

"You're quite the rude one." Nightmare scowled, feeling chill metal against the side of his neck.

"Sorel? Why don't you go and suck a snail?" Nightmare spat. A collective "Oooh!" rose from the bar. The rapier whipped away from Nightmare's neck. The knight dropped to the floor just in time to watch Flambert whiff an impaling blow.

"Die now!" Nightmare yelled, rolling and grabbing Soul Edge. He smashed the evil blade into the fencer, knocking Sorel against the far wall. Nightmare charged Raphael as he was rising. Soul Edge came tearing down. Raphael slid aside and rose, posing arrogantly as Soul Edge crashed through the floor.

"Too slow!" he said, backstepping to deliver a flurry of thrusts to Nightmare. The knight fell back, blood trickling from his numerous wounds. He licked a splotch of blood from his arm and raised Soul Edge. Rapahel shifted to block a swing...

...And was snatched by a demonic limb. Three clawed fingers wrapped around his midsection, gripping tightly. Nightmare smiled darkly.

"Got you." he said evilly. Nightmare lifted Raphael and threw him in the air. As the fencer dropped, Nightmare swung Soul Edge like a baseball bat. Raphael crashed through a wall and hit the ground hard, sending up a plume of dust. A disembodied voice rang out in the wake of the attack.

"Ring out!"

Nightmare swung his blade around in wide, vicious arcs, laughing at his fallen foe.

"Behold the magnificence of his victory." Yoshimitsu said, raising his mug of ale. Voldo hissed in agreement, toasting Nightmare with his shot glass.

diddly-splip!

"I don't know about this, guys." Talim said, nervous. Ivy had the girl's delicate wrist in her firm grasp, dragging her along.

"Oh, you'll be fine." Taki consoled. Xianghua clapped a hand on Talim's shoulder.

"We'll make sure nothing bad happens to ya." she said. Talim smiled, nerves letting up just a bit. After all, she'd been friends with these three (well, maybe no so much Ivy) for years. Surely they wouldn't do anything to hurt her.

At least, she didn't think they would.

p.s.- So? I'm processing chapter 2 at the moment, and any comments you have on the first will be greatly appreciated. -


	2. Deprived, Depraved, Decrepit?

disclaimer- As far as SC2 is concerned, I don't own jack. Well, okay, 1 copy of SC2 for PS2 (hehe, it kinda rhymes) and a guidebook because I'm a looser and can't remember move combinations and button sequences to save my life.

Once again, after much medication and a few months in a straitjacket, Illusory Studios is most assuredly NOT responsible for any damages caused by

CHAPTER TWO: DEPRIVED, DEPRAVED, DECREPIT?

Raphael dusted himself off, scowling back at the bar. He swung Flambert once before sheathing the rapier.

"Some other time, then." he snarled, walking away sullenly.

"Having trouble, son?" a very deep, somewhat aged voice queried. Raphael stopped, getting ready to draw.

"None of your business." he spat.

"Oh, all right then." the voice replied. Raphael started to walk off again when another question stopped him.

"You sure?" Raphael's face screwed up into a mix of anger and annoyance. He whirled around elegantly to face the man, rapier hissing from its sheath. Sorel snapped the blade threateningly before him, pointing it at the nondescript, cloaked old man.

"I said it's none of your business."

"Okay, but are you quite sure? You just got bashed through a wall, lost the love and respect of an entire harm of gorgeous women a…"

"Shut it." Raphael growled.

"Your ego must really be shot right now. You just got your ass handed to you!"

With that, Raphael lunged with all the grace and finesse he could muster through his fury.

And was left bruised, bloodied and in the dirt.

"Today," he coughed, "Is not my day."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Nightmare slumped down into a creaky wood chair behind a table and sighed. The bar was packed with people. Some played cards, some were getting their afternoon booze fix, and a few lucky bastards were getting a wench. Nightmare propped Soul Edge against the wall, kicked back and scanned the bar jealously.

:Oh, come on. You'll be fine. There's a woman in this town with your name on her.:

"You sure?"

:If you pay her enough.:

"Ah."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Xianghua was giving Talim a bit of a pep talk while Taki, with her Stealth Ninja Skillz (tm), scoped out the prospective males with Ivy, who was attracting them with her Mad Dominatrix Skillz (tm).

"And if he asks you to…" Xianghua leaned in whispered to Talim, who's eyes bugged out at the comment, "Make sure you bring syrup and a towel."

"I don't know if I wanna do this, Xianghua." Talim whimpered.

"Don't worry, Talim. Ivy and Taki will find the perfect man for you."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Yoshi couldn't help but feel sorry for Nightmare. He could tell the knight wanted a good time. The look in his eye, the coins grasped so obviously in his claws, his other hand on… well, usually his drink, or Soul Edge.

Oh, come on, you thought it, too. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't think it.

During the brief interlude and subsequent rebuilding of the fourth wall, the magical master of sword pogo had chanced upon an idea. He did grin behind his mask. Yoshi nudged Voldo and dew in close to converse in hushed tones.

"Let's help ol' Nightmare, hm?"

"Hisss?" (what'll it do for us?)

"We don't look as creepy beside him. You may be freaky as sin, but you're limber."

"Hisiss!" (darn straight!)

"And I'm a magic swordsman. Who doesn't love a magic swordsman?"

"Sss." (hot chicks.)

"Shut it." Yoshi paused, gathering his thoughts again.

"But Nightmare, poor Nightmare, he's got eyeballs on his arm. It's really a bit of a turn-off."

Voldo paused, giving Yoshimitsu the best "Are you a closet fruit cup or something?" look, a feat in itself, given Voldo's lack of eyeballs.

"Don't give me that look, Voldo. I'm straight as the flagpole on my back."

Voldo kept giving him that look. Yoshi gave him a look back.

It wasn't very much to look at, really.

"Let's just give the boy some lovin'." Yoshi spat, flustered. Voldo hissed under his breath.

"Hsss." (gotta be a better way to say that.)

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

The mysterious cloaked man from the introductory sequence sat outside this most frequented tavern. His dark cloak disguised all possible features within its folds, body masked by the gracious fabric, face enshrouded by the ample hood. He could hear people approaching and, by the sounds of their voices, they were female.

"Oh, goodie!" he whispered excitedly. The man sat back and listened.

"I'm sure we'll find a decent man in here for her." a very British voice quipped.

"Let's just hope Raph and Maxi don't hear about this." a more Asian voice said.

"Oh, indeed."

"They may be good, but I doubt Talim would appreciate their particular style."

"No. Not at all."

"Oh, gods, what if _those two_ try for a go?"

"Heaven forbid!" The pair gagged. The old man looked up the dusty street to set his eyes upon the vixens. One was bound in a very attractive and revealing leather ensemble, complete with high heels and an exotic gauntlet. The other, well, he didn't care about what she was wearing. He couldn't quite get past those beautiful bouncin' bahoolies. When they were at the tavern threshold, he made his move.

"Pardon me, ladies, but I couldn't help noticing you have a problem." he said. The lady in heels turned a stern eye to him.

"Nothing you could do much for." she said.

"Perhaps you should give me a try first." he replied.

"Come on, Ivy. We need to get to work." the knocker lady said, taking Ivy by the arm. Ivy pulled away from the old man.

"You sure you won't give me a try?" he asked. Ivy stopped.

"Let's see what he's up to, Taki."

"You sure Ivy?"

"Of course I'm sure." Ivy assured Taki. She turned to the old man, smiling.

"So," Ivy asked, "What is it you want?"

"Why, to sample your snack trays, of course."

"Our _what_!" Ivy and Taki exclaimed in unison.

"I wanna flip your switches."

The girl's expressions twisted in revulsion.

"Twist your knobs?"

Ivy drew her whip-sword.

"Squeeze your t…" Ivy cut the pervert off with a sharp and wicked crack of her whip, launching him clean off his feet and lacerating his cloak. The pair glared at the old man with contempt.

"Heihachi." Taki spat.

"We should have known." Ivy sneered. She put away her weapon and entered the bar with Taki.

Heihachi, meanwhile, was playing that elegant ass-whuppin' over and over again in his head.

"Oh yeah, they want me _bad_."

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

There was a collective _thud!_ as every male jaw in the bar dropped. This even caused precisely 37.95 in damage to floors and furniture.

The barkeep called in everyone's tab.

The most prominent staring eyeballs were, of course, Nightmare's. Soul Edge wasn't too far behind in the staring department either. Taki was the first to turn and face the knight, her boobs second.

"What are you staring at?" she asked sternly. Ivy tilted her head, eyes glaring at Nightmare.

"The two most beautiful girls I've ever seen in my entire life." he replied, looking them both sincerely in the eye. Taki blushed, Ivy's glare faltered. Flattery? How refreshing!

"That's the nicest thing we've heard all da…" Taki stopped dead. Nightmare's armored hand was clamped firmly on her left breast. Taki's eyes widened while Nightmare's gaze remained calmly fixed upon her face. Through her shock, Taki managed to retaliate with a fast, low kick.

A _very_ low kick.

Nightmare let go of Taki and curled up on the floor, tending to his wounded pride. Soul Edge took his eye off the ladies just to taunt Nightmare.

:Oooh! De-NIED, Sieggy! You just got served, you.:

"Stupid bitch." Nightmare growled to Soul Edge. Taki, who heard the "Stupid bitch" part, but nothing of what Soul Edge said, took this comment as a personal insult and rammed her heel into Nightmare's face. Sieg groaned and went limp.

:Oh, just gonna give up, are you? Just gonna curl up and take it? Some man you are, Sieggy. She might as well have cut it off instead of kicking it in.:

Nightmare raised his demon fist and rammed it full-force into Soul Edge's eye before grabbing the sword and slamming it to the floor.

meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Xianghua pulled Talim up the sidewalk towards the tavern. Talim was fighting more than ever, despite Xianghua's words of encouragement.

"Come on, Talim. You'll be fine! Trust me."

"I'd love to trust you, but," Talim thrashed about madly. Xianghua whipped around behind Talim and stuck the tip of Soul Calibur between Talim's shoulder blades.

"Trust me, sweetie. Now, _walk_!" Xianghua punctuated the command with a sharp poke and a hearty shove. Talim obeyed disdainfully, feeling twenty different kinds of nervous as she approached the tavern.

"I'm really, I don't think I'm, Xianghua I'mOW!" Talim yelped.

"Oh, come on. I didn't even poke you."

"No, something pinched my butt!"

"Whatever."

"No, Xianghua, I'm serious!"

"Quit whining and get inside!" Xianghua said sternly as she pushed Talim through the shiny new batwing bar door.

Behind a barrel by the door, Heihachi smiled, very pleased with himself.

And exceptionally pleased with Talim's bootie.

p.s.- well, chapter 2 is done. I make no timeline guarantees for chapter 3, of course, but it will come. Kindly review, it just might help me write faster. -

yes, that was a sad attempt at blackmail. I'm a dirty little wench, aren't I?


	3. Yoho, Yoho, a Pirate's Life for Me!

disclaimer- though it's been previously posted, I shall once again proclaim that I own no rights to SoulCalibur 2. I do own some property thereof, in the form of one (1) PS2 copy of the game and one (1) fighter's guide purchased at discount on sale at a local EB Games store.

I also have no rights whatsoever to EB Games or are otherwise affiliated with them.

Digging m'self into quite a legal hole here, aren't I?

And now, Illusory Studios has given up trying to halt the madness of

CHAPTER THREE: YO-HO, YO-HO, A PIRATE'S LIFE FOR ME!

It was dark and a wee bit scary in the pirate's cove. The soundtrack for this particular stage was dramatic, beautifully instrumented and laden with suspense, even if it was being blasted out of a cheap, paper-speakered stereo. A scratchy and purely evil voice yelled from the deck of the old pirate ship.

"Repeat after me. Aaarrrrr!"

A chorus of monotonic, groaning voices replied.

"Aaarrrrrgh."

"No, no, no, ye daft and scurvy landlubbers! Aaarrrrr!"

"Aaarrrrgh!"

"This be yer last chance, maties, afore I keelhaul the lot o' ye. Now, say _aaarrrrr!_"

"Aaarrrrrgh?"

"That be the last straw! Off the plank, all a' ye!"

The chorus responded with a monotone groan of rejection.

"Aaarrrrrgh."

dooby dooby doo+

Talim gagged at the overpowering stench of the tavern, unpleasant odors assailing her olfactory nerves. She bent over and covered her nose with her hands, eyes wide and watery. Talim shuffled forward at the behest of Xianghua's sword.

"It smells horrible in hereAIPE!" Talim commented, cut off when she tripped over something lying on the floor.

:Watch where you're going you clumsy bitch: Soul Edge screamed. Nightmare promptly smacked the fleshy part of the sword as he stood, hand held out to Talim.

"You all right?" he asked.

"She's fine! Back off." Xianghua snapped, jumping between them. Nightmare gave her a hellish, soul piercing glare, his eye twitching. Talim nudged Xianghua out of the way, taking Nightmare's hand.

"I'm okay, thanks." she answered, eyes glittering. Sieg gave her his best smile (judges scores: 6.0, 5.3, 5.7 and 2.1… damn French judge) and helped her to her feet. Nightmare judged her weight very poorly, pulling her up off the ground and drawing her against him. Talim's heart raced as she took in his manly scent (a mix of sweat, booze and Axe Orion), feeling his strong and powerfully built chest. Talim looked up into his icy blue eyes, her hands slowly moving up to his rock-hard shoulders, her thin fingers massaging the tense muscle under his flesh. She pulled in closer to press herself against him. Nightmare held Talim a bit closer himself, leaning down to her slowly, eyelids lowering with his body. She tilted her head back, rising up on tip-toe to get closer to what she hoped would be her first kiss, long and passionate, full of feeling and with a nice smattering of tongue.

"Okay, that's enough!" Xianghua announced, snatching Talim and dragging her away. The wind priestess stared longingly back at the knight, his eyes begging her to come back. When Xianghua rounded the bar and headed towards the back, Nightmare cursed his luck.

"Ah, f"

dooby dooby doo+

The last zombie crawled onto the dock in the pirate cove, lethargically kicking off a fish that was gnawing on its ankle.

"Aaarrrrrgh." it moaned. A black boot thudded down heavily in front of its rotted face.

"Can ye say it properly now, chum bucket?"

The zombie paused, deep in thought (well, as deep into thought as a zombie can go, anyway).

"Aaarrrr?"

"Yar! That be the moan I've been lookin' for. Climb aboard, matey!"

"Aaarrrrr!" The zombie shuffled his way to the boat, shuffled his way up the boarding ramp and shuffled his way up to the crow's nest. The ruthless captain strode purposefully up the ramp and took his place behind the zombie at the helm.

"Yar. Set a course, me hearty. We be sailin' for…" The captain paused dramatically. The zombies failed to appreciate the tension and flare.

"_The town_."

dooby dooby doo+

Ivy and Taki waited in a small room in the back for Xianghua and Talim. They were both very depressed, having found no man good enough for Talim.

"Maybe we just haven't been looking hard enough." Taki suggested.

"Where else is there to look?"

"Nowhere, really."

"Perhaps this wasn't such a good idea, Taki."

"We're not giving up, Ivy. We said we'd find a man for Talim, and we're going to find her a man." Taki said firmly.

"All right then. We'll start fresh in the morning."

There was a sharp rap on the door. Ivy cracked her whip-sword, weapon wrapping around the knob.

"Turn." Ivy commanded. The whip turned the knob, clicking it open. "Now open." The whip pulled back and opened the door. Ivy flicked her wrist and brought the weapon back to her.

Xianghua hauled in a flush red Talim, slamming the door shut behind them. Talim was tossed into a creaky wood chair as Xianghua ran to the other girls.

"Nightmare jumped Talim!" Xianghua screamed. Ivy and Taki leapt up and closed with Xianghua.

"That no-good scum! How dare he make a move on Talim?" Ivy snarled. Taki knelt down by Talim, taking the girl's trembling hand.

"How do your feel?" she asked. Talim took in a quick, shaky breath before responding.

"My heart is still pounding." she answered. Taki scowled and stood.

"Don't worry, we'll get him for it. You deserve so much better than Eyeball Arm." Taki fumed.

"B-but, I…" Talim stammered. Xianghua stopped her.

"We'll take care of him, don't worry about a thing.

dooby dooby doo+

The pier emptied rapidly as the zombie crew shuffled off the pirate ship. Not a soul remained on the pier, save one man. He stood bare-chested and open-shirted in defiance of the flood of zombies.

"You want a piece of me?" the darn good-lookin' young man asked, full of youthful confidence. The pirate captain disembarked with a dramatic leap, cape and fluffy feather fluttering in the wind. He landed heavily, red eyes boring into the defiant man's very soul.

"So, we meet again, Maxi."

"Been some time, Cervantes." Maxi replied, whipping out Soryuju from his belt and showing off with it.

"And ye be just as foolhardy as ever, ye scurvy dog."

Maxi paused. Soryuju went limp mid-swing, just as confused as its master.

"Since when did you start talking like a pirate?"

"Since the start o' this chapter, matey. Now," Cervantes drew his foul weapons, "Beg for mercy before me."

Maxi stepped up, turning his head to the side and catching the sunlight perfectly for the penultimate sexy-boy look, light reflecting brilliantly in his eyes and off his hair.

The zombies applauded.

"Silence, ye bilge rates!" Cervantes barked. The zombies shuffled and 'aaarrrrgh'd away.

"That be 'Aaarrrrr,' dammit!"

"Aaarrrrr!" the zombies yelled back. Maxi whipped Soryuju around once more.

"So, want a piece of me?" Maxi asked, resuming in nunchuck-swinging routine. The pirate foes assumed fighting stance, zombies creating a ring around them. A few zombies produced pennants and waved them sluggishly, 'aaarrrrr'ing their rotting hearts out. Cervantes beamed with pride at his cheering, 'aaarrrrr'ing zombies.

It be warmin' the cockles o' his undead heart, yar.

dooby dooby doo+

Nightmare slumped, dejected, over a bottle of whiskey. He produced a pink neon bendy straw, stuck it in the bottle and started sipping up whiskey.

:Come on, Seig. At least you know she likes you.: Soul Edge said, trying to comfort his wielder.

"But I can't get to her without that annoying damn Xianghua trying to beat the crap out of me."

:Then whup her! Just knock the prissy snot right outta Xianghua.:

"Well, what if Talim finds out? What if bloodshed and violence are her turn-offs?"

:What if they're her turn-_ons_:

"You just want me to beat someone up, don't you?"

:Duh.:

"Good enough for me." Nightmare stood drunkenly, straw still in his mouth. Seig picked up Soul Edge, swaying, and whipped out his badass shades.

:Hey now! I'm not fighting sober if you're not: Soul Edge said. Nightmare grabbed the whiskey bottle, placed the opening between two tendrils and tipped the bottle up. The sword's tendrils twittered and squirmed, delighted as it swallowed. Nightmare pulled the bottle back, dropped it to the floor and staggered off with his equally plastered weapon. Their eyes were bloodshot, brains definitely not up for combat, but their hearts knew no such inebriation.

Indeed, neither did Seig's long-denied libido. With that force alone driving him, Nightmare rammed through the back door and charged down the small, bedroom-lined corridor.

In the bar proper, Yoshimitsu sighed heavily. Not only was the barkeep fuming at Nightmare over the repair costs, but Seig had just piddled away his only chance at a girl. Yoshi nudged Voldo to get his attention.

"Do you think we should help him?" Yoshi asked.

"Sss." (Nah).

"Well, why not?"

"Hiss, ss, hss ss." (He's a big boy, he can take care of himself.)

"But it'll be four against one in there! Nightmare will get slaughtered."

"Hesss." (No, just three against one.)

"Heh?"

"Ssss." (Talim wants him.)

"Yeah, right!" Yoshi paused. "Really?"

"Hissis." (I could smell the hormones a mile away.)

"But," Yoshi measured the distance in his head. "It's only about ten feet from here to Seig's table."

"Iisss." (Dork. You know what I meant.)

Yoshi bowed his head in contemplation. So Talim likes Nightmare, and Nightmare needs a girl, but Taki, Ivy and Xianghua are in the way. There had to be some way to tip the scales in Nightmare's favor.

He would have to meditate on it.

"Namu…"

dooby dooby doo+

Maxi glared at Cervantes, struggling against the zombies holding him back, keeping him off their master.

"You dirty cheat." Maxi snarled. Cervantes just laughed at him.

"Yar, it's what pirates so."

"Hey, you're right," Maxi agreed, "It _is_ what pirates do." With that, Maxi grabbed a zombie's arm, pulled it off (much to the zombie's chagrin) and whirled it around, clocking several zombies in the head. The walking corpses collapsed, freeing Maxi's arm. He whipped around and wiped the floor with the remaining zombies. Maxi fished Soryuju out from the pile of flesh and turned back to Cervantes.

"That do be some fine cheatin', me hearty. What say ye join me crew? Well, what be left of it, anyway."

"As much as I love the pirate's life, I don't think I'll be joining you."

"And why be that, matey?"

"I'd make you look bad."

Cervantes growled, aiming Nirvana at Maxi's heart.

"That be the last time ye insult me, landlubber!" Cervantes squeezed his finger. Maxi kicked a zombie straight into Cervantes, catching him in the chest just before the gun went off. The bullet fired and hit the top of a storage shed behind Maxi. When Cervantes was done cursing Maxi and the zombie, he flung the undead off and glared around the docks.

Maxi was gone.

"Dammit, yar."

"Aaarrrrrgh."

Cervantes booted the offending zombie straight to Davey Jone's Locker.

And a fishy leapt out of the sea.

p.s.- just so I don't get sued, I don't own Axe either. the bendy straw's brand name was never mentioned, so HAH! now, review, me fine and saucy wenches!


	4. And Carry a Big Stick

disclaimer- Legally speaking, I don't own any legal rights to Soulcalibur 2. All I've got is a copy of the game for PS2 and a fighter's guide. Officially speaking, Namco has all the legal crap, BradyGames has all the guidebook crap, and I've just got plain crap.

dedication- I should like to dedicate this chapter to this fanfic's official artist, Reifnir Maarit, whether she wants it or not. Thanks for all the beautiful pics you've done, and thanks for being a loyal reader, fan and a good friend.

And now, at the behest of angry, pitchfork-waving, torch-having mobs, Illusory Studios, for no good reason, presents

CHAPTER FOUR: … AND CARRY A BIG STICK

Raphael's eyelids fluttered as he stirred slowly towards wakefulness. He felt several sharp, annoying pokes in the side that thrust him ever more towards sentience.

"I'm up, I'm up! Quit poking me!" was what the fencer meant to say. What came out sounded more like "Mrmmph, mrmmph! Grpmmm mm!"

"You never were much for pillow talk, Frenchie." a feminine voice mocked flirtatiously. Raphael propped himself up on his arms, blinking against the harsh light of day. A blurry image hovering over him came slowly into focus.

"Mina? What are you doing here?" Sorel asked, voice still a bit groggy.

"Who else would it be? Come on, get up and dust yourself off." Seung Mina said. She stood and helped Raphael to his feet, wiping some dust off of his red shirt.

"Mind checking my pants? I'm sure it's positively dirty down there." Raphael quipped with a shimmer in his eye. Mina gave him a playful look.

"Maybe latter, after you buy me a drink."

cupcakes!

The answer hit Yoshimitsu like a brick to the head. Consequently, the brick thrown at his head by a bar patron to halt his incessant "Namu…" hit him like a brick to the head.

"Unexpected." Yoshi moaned before he passed out.

Voldo poked him a few times, just for kicks.

cupcakes!

Taki's sensitive ninja ears twitched. _Something _was not right.

"Girls, something fishy is going on."

Xianghua hid her fish sandwich from view.

"Where'd you get that?" Talim asked. Xianghua just shrugged, her mouth still full of tasty, fishy goodness. She swallowed and promptly changed the subject.

"What is it, Taki?" Xianghua asked. The busty ninja stealthily tiptoed to the door (as is her way) and pressed her ear against the dark wood.

"It sounds like a dramatic charge of some sort."

"A dramatic charge?" Ivy queried.

"Yes, a charge so dramatic that it's taking quite a long time to complete."

"Shall we prepare for the conclusion?"

"Let's."

The girls promptly sat down at a safe distance on either side of the door, kicked back and relaxed.

Xianghua munched some more of her sandwich.

cupcakes!

Yoshimitsu snapped out of his brick-induced coma and leapt triumphantly to his feet.

"I've got it!"

"Hss?" (What?)

"I know who can help Nightmare with his girl trouble!"

"Hississs." (Like you know any woman that desperate.)

"Not a woman, Voldo," Yoshimitsu paused dramatically, "a _man_!"

"Sss! Hiss-ss!" (Dude! Sieg's straight!)

"Not like that, Voldo. I'm talking about a date counselor. You know, someone to help him pick up the ladies."

"Sss?" (And why haven't we seen him yet?)

"Never mind that. We've no time to waste! To the Yoshimobile!"

"Hiss." (I am _not_ riding a camel.)

"You will ride my camel and you will like it!" Yoshi commanded, grabbing Voldo by a leather strap and dragging him out the door.

cupcakes!

Siegfried swagger-charged toward the door that locked away his hopes and dreams. He drew Soul Edge over his head, heavy blade crackling with energy, flames leaping from the tendrils. Nightmare tottered back for a second, regaining his balance as he swung the massive weapon down on the door. The wood shattered and flew apart as it was cleaved in two by the mighty blow.

The barkeep paled at the thought of his repair bills.

Nightmare barreled through the door, drawing Soul Edge to his side with a quick spinning slash. Sieg removed his shades in a truly badass fashion, tossing his head up to shift his long, blonde bangs out of his eyes. Sieg straightened up and delivered a narrow-eyed glare about the room, working the pink bendy-straw between his teeth.

Xianghua gulped down the last bite of her fish sandwich. She promptly snatched the hem of Talim's short pants, holding the girl back. Talim pulled and fought and flailed madly to get to Nightmare and finish what they had started in the bar.

"What are you doing here?" Ivy asked in a demanding tone. She rose, sword-whip in hand, and gave Nightmare an equally cold look. The knight glared up at her and replied with his whiskey-laden breath, pink straw hopping up and down as he spoke.

"I'm here for the girl." Nightmare snarled. Ivy backed away from the heavy stench of alcohol, wrinkling her nose. Taki jumped up to flank Nightmare, ready to keep him away from Talim. Xianghua stuck Soul Calibur's sharp point against Sieg's flesh.

"Give up, Nightmare. She's too good for you." Xianghua said.

"I'm not leaving without her." Nightmare replied defiantly. Xianghua tossed Talim behind her and rose, moving Soul Calibur up to slide the razor edge against Sieg's neck.

"If you leave now, I'll let you keep your head." Xianghua offered, smiling. Nightmare lowered his head, wide bangs covering his eyes and shadowing his face. He smiled darkly, tightening his grip on Soul Edge.

"It's a tempting offer, girlie,"

Talim gasped. Could he be rejecting her?

"But I'm sticking with Talim." Nightmare grabbed Ivy's wrist and threw her against the back wall. He leaned back, slipping under Xianghua's swift and elegant decapitating slice, taking a flurry of stabs from Taki. Sieg dropped to the floor and rolled. He shifted quickly into a kneeling position and launched Xianghua with a fierce rising uppercut. Taki lunged in for another stabbing flurry. Nightmare halted her attack by ramming the butt of Soul Edge's hilt into her face. Taki fell to the ground and groaned, clutching her nose.

"I thig oo boke id!" Taki wailed. Sieg took a step towards her, rose his armored foot and stomped on Taki as hard as he could.

"That's for kicking me in the crotch," he stomped again, "That's for kicking me in the face," a third stomp, "That's for keeping Talim from me, and _this!_" Nightmare powered his final stomp down on her as hard as he could. "THIS is because I don't like you." Taki groaned and went limp, unconscious. Sieg turned away from Taki just in time to catch Xianghua swinging at him from a low rafter, catching him squarely in the face with a sharp kick. He staggered back, stumbling over a wicker chair. Nightmare brought Soul Edge up over his head and slammed it down on Xianghua. While she managed to get Soul Calibur between herself and the cutting edge, Xianghua was smashed to the ground. Nightmare took the evil weapon and smashed it down repeatedly upon the swordswoman. After the beating, Xianghua rolled away weakly, cowering under a wicker chair and pointing Soul Calibur out at Sieg, just in case she would need to stab him in the foot. Nightmare removed his attentions from Xianghua and turned to face Ivy.

"Crap." he said, watching the whip-sword crack and wrap itself firmly around his throat.

"Move, and I start strangling." Ivy threatened. Nightmare growled at her and lowered his sword slowly. Ivy tightened the whip just enough to press into Sieg's flesh, marking his skin with its razor edges. Thin lines of red began to form against the blades as Ivy tightened the whip.

"I'm not giving up until I've won her heart." the knight said with determination in his eye. He looked at Talim and smiled warmly. Talim's heart skipped a beat, blood rushing to her face. The room seemed much, much warmer to her, even after Nightmare's eyes had turned back to Ivy.

_She'll kill him!_ Talim thought frantically. _What am I going to do now?_

cupcakes!

Voldo clung sullenly to the back of Yoshimitsu's camel.

"Hississ." (This sucks.)

"Quit whining, the ride's almost over." Yoshi steered his camel to the right, heading towards a system of caverns masked by low and rolling hills. He stopped and dismounted outside a small cave entrance nestled in a hillside. Voldo slid off the camel's back and slithered about, loosening up after the long ride.

"Come on, come on, we're wasting time!" Yoshi said impatiently. The pair entered the cave and walked slowly down the dimly-lit and unhewn cavern.

"Hess?" (What are we looking for?)

"A light."

"Ssss?" (A light?)

"Yes. A light at the end of the tunnel."

Voldo hissed out a demoralized sigh. He trudged onward behind Yoshimitsu. It was quite some time before anyone said anything.

"Light! Light, Voldo, light!" Yoshimitsu exclaimed, pointing at a tiny pinprick of light.

"Issss." (I don't see it.)

"Forget about that, let's go!" Yoshi broke into a run, dragging Voldo behind him. The small point of white expanded rapidly as they dashed, glaring and blinding Yoshi as he burst into a torch-lit cavern, pulling Voldo in after him. He skid to a stop before the cave's sole inhabitant.

"Why are you two here?" a youthful male voice asked, demand echoing off the stone walls.

"We need your help desperately." Yoshimitsu replied.

"Hsss, hiss hiss ssss." (Yeah, especially him.) Voldo hissed, pointing to Yoshi. The magic ninja promptly smacked Voldo.

"Like I was saying, we really, _really_ need your expertise."

"In what subject?"

"Dating."

The man stood, coming fully into the bright torchlight, raising a long, red quarterstaff parallel to his body.

"When do I start?"

p.s.- please visit Reifnir's art gallery at the link in my profile. her work is amazing and very true to the story, and I'd kill to be able to do armor half as well as she does it. oh, yes, and you'd better review, dammit! reviews make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like I just swallowed a warm and fuzzy thing.


	5. Ooh! DeNIED!

disclaimer: Ocifer, I swears I don't own any legal rightsh to Soul Calibur 2. That'sh all belonging to Namco and, and… I love you, man! blearghhhh!

Put down your pitchforks and douse your torches, 'cause here comes another Illusory Studios production (co-sponsored by Prozac and Zoloft)!

CHAPTER 5: OOOH! DE-NIED!

Soul Edge clattered to the ground, pink bendy straw falling limply atop its tendrils.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lead you on." Talim said meekly, voice quivering. Her eyes were moist with tears she constantly sniffled back.

"You, you don't…" Nightmare stammered with the wide-eyed look every man gets when the Kneecap of Rejection hits them in that most tender place.

"I just did it to make Xianghua mad. I'm sorry."

Nightmare fell to his knees, gently wrapping his claws around Soul Edge. He closed his eyes and bowed his head. A dark and oppressive aura of rejection sank in around the knight as the pain of Talim's words stabbed dull, rusty knives of fire into his shattered heart.

"I… I see." Nightmare said, subdued. He slowly lifted himself up off his knees, dragging Soul Edge behind him as he trudged slowly out the doorway. All of Taki's pokes and prods and all of Ivy's biting insults were dulled and silenced by depression. Xianghua shoved a chair between the room and the sullen swordsman, grinning broadly.

"All right, Talim! Went a bit easy on him, but yay!" Xianghua cheered. Talim shuddered and wrapped her arms around her body, kneeling down to the floor. Slowly, she reached out and picked up the discarded bendy straw. Talim clutched the straw against her breast, head bowed, eyes closed. Delicate tears seeped out between her lashes and fell softly onto her arms. The other three gathered around Talim. Taki slipped an arm around the girl's delicate shoulders and shifted her head to look Talim in the eye.

"You really fell for him, didn't you?" Taki asked, concerned.

"Y-yes." Talim sniffled. Taki gave her a tight hug (despite her gratuitous rack) and released, smiling warmly.

"Don't worry! We'll find someone who'll make you forget all about him!" Taki consoled as she patted Talim on the back. Talim's eyes flew open and burned with rage. She exploded away from Taki and raised her elbow blades in an offensive stance.

"I'm sick of this! You all think you're doing me a favor, but you're not!" Talim screamed. Ivy took a step forward. Talim swung her weapons threateningly and glared at Ivy.

"Talim, calm down. You're not thinking straight."

"I'm thinking _perfectly_ straight!"

"If you go with Nightmare, I promise you'll regret it for the rest of your life." Ivy said.

"No! The only thing I regret is letter you three try and run my life!"

"Hey, hey, it's not our fault or anything. Just take a deep breath, count to ten and you'll feel much better." Xianghua advised. Talim only got angrier.

"NO! You know what, you can all just… just… _just go to hell!_" Talim yelled furiously. She ran for the remains of the door, hacked the chair before her to bits and ran out, leaving her former friends in shock.

Ivy spoke first.

"Did she just swear?"

"Why, yes." Taki answered.

The trio beamed and cheered.

"Talim's first swear word!"

biddly-doo!

Yoshimitsu guided his camel full-speed toward the town. The cave-dwelling mentor sat behind him and Voldo rolled and tumbled along beside the camel, hissing happily.

"Hisss sss-s-sss, hiss hiss hiss ss ss!" (Tumblin' along, with the tumbling tumbleweed!)

biddly-doo!

Raphael escorted Seung Mina into the tavern, opening the batwing door for her and pulling out a chair to seat her. Every girl in the bar became horribly jealous. Sorel called the barkeep over and pulled out a small, draw-string bag.

"What would you like, Mina?" he asked politely and flirtatiously.

"Tequila with lime, just like before." Mina answered, leaning forward on the table to enhance her cleavage. Raphael paused, unable to remember what he wanted to drink.

"Uh, a, uh, send a, uhm, I'll have what she's having." he managed to say. The barkeep left to mix their drinks. Mina sat back and lightly kicked Sorel's shin under the table. His eyes snapped up to meet her's.

"Oh, come on, it's not like you haven't seen them before." Mina said.

"It's not that, Mina."

"You miss them, don't you?"

"Not as much as I missed you." Raphael confessed, leaning forward across the table. Mina mimicked him, waiting for that perfect moment.

"Settle down, French Fry." Mina said, raising the blade of her naginata against Sorel's neck. He backed off and planted himself firmly in his seat. Mina lowered her weapon and leaned back in her chair. The barkeep returned with their drinks and accepted the coins Sorel gave him.

"So, what brings you here, Mina?"

"Nothing much, really."

"Did you miss me?"

"You wish."

"Must you dash my hopes so readily, so easily?"

"It's half the fun."

The pair sat in silence, sipping their tequilas. Despite several attempts on Raphael's part, a rousing game of footsie never ensued.

A terrible racket drew all eyes to the back of the bar. Raphael leaned to the side to get a better look.

"Talim?" he asked himself, watching the small girl dash for the door, dripping with tears. Raphael stood and made a move to leave when Mina grabbed his arm.

"Where are you going?" she asked sternly.

"The poor girl needs help." Raphael replied, still focused on the door.

"Oh, _now_ you're a noble, stand-up, knight in shining armor, eh?" Mina scowled.

"We'll talk about _that_ later, Mina." Sorel tore himself away from the feisty flirt and dashed off to Talim's rescue.

biddly-doo!

"You're kidding!" Yoshimitsu wailed.

"Hiss?" (You mean, we brought Kilik all the way here for nothing?"

"Sorry, but a guy in armor with really long hair and a big sword just left. Went that-a-way, he did." the town guard said, pointing towards the desert.

"That, oh, aarrrgh!" Yoshi seethed as he mounted his camel, pulled Kilik back on and began to haul it to the desert with Voldo rolling along behind them.

biddly-doo!

Talim staggered sorrowfully down the dusty and sun-baked streets. Her eyes were blind with tears, pink straw clutched tightly in her hands. The poor girl tripped over a pothole and went down, sprawled out on the ground. Dust puffed around her, dirt filled her mouth. Talim's hands released the bendy straw.

"I give up. I just give up." Talim whimpered. She went limp and sobbed into the ground.

"There, there, Talim. You'll be all right." a familiar voice comforted. Talim sniffled and turned her dusty head to the side, coughing out some dirt.

"R-Raphael?" she stammered, still recovering her air. Sorel's blue eyes lit up as he smiled warmly and picked the little girl up. He gently wiped away Talim's tears and held her hand. Talim threw herself against the fencer, burying her face in his silky shirt and lean, strong chest. Tears stained the lush red and crème fabric. She wrapped her arms around Raphael's neck and wove her sad thoughts into words.

"I th-thought I loved him, b-but I just hurt him and he left and I don't think I'll ever see him again." Talim sobbed. Raphael slipped his arms around the slim girl and held her close, lowering his head to rest lightly upon her's.

"There, there, it's okay. Just let it all out, I'm here for you."

"And my friends, well, I _thought_ they were my friends, they weren't being nice. All they did was hurt me. Didn't care about what _I_ wanted!"

"I care."

"R-really?"

"Really really."

"I just wanna go home."

"I'll walk you there, your very own escort."

"Thank you."

biddly-doo!

Seung Mina glared harshly at Raphael and Talim.

"That dirty, cheating, sleazy, manipulative pile of rotted cheese. He's only helping her because he wants a slice of virgin pie." Mina seethed. She clutched Scarlet Thunder and stormed out of town, heading away from French and Lil' Miss Virgin.

She was heading for the desert. Evil thoughts danced in her mind as she tailed the camel tracks and the line Voldo had carved in the sand. When Mina had left the town well behind, she let fly with a villainous cackle.

"Ahahahahaa! If he wants it so badly, _I'll give it to him!_ Ha-haaah!"

biddly-doo!

Kilik's ears pricked. He clasped Yoshi's shoulder.

"What?" Yoshi asked, glancing back briefly.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force." Kilik answered calmly.

"A what in the huh?" queried the magic ninja.

"Hiss sss iss!" (Something ain't right.)

"Oh."

Kilik closed his eyes and slipped into a more meditative expression.

"It feels as though a great wound has opened, a tear in the delicate fabric of the soul with a malevolent hand resting over it, poised with a salt shaker." Kilik said, voice somewhat distant. Yoshi had, as usual, a few questions to ask.

"Eh?"

Okay, he just had one question, but what a question it was!

"Hisss." (Someone just broke up, got pissed and is out for revenge.)

"Again, oh."

"Sss." (Sheesh.)

biddly-doo!

Nightmare trudged drearily into the darkness of the desert cave. The dim, dark cavern was a sharp contrast to Talim's bright and cheery eyes, cold and rough stone the antithesis to her warm, soft skin.

"This sucks." Nightmare lamented. Soul Edge sighed and twittered its tendrils.

:Yeah.:

Nightmare slunk back into the dank, black depths of the cavern-tomb, feeling the warmth of Talim slipping away and being replaced by the chill of loneliness.

:And the cave.:

"Yeah, that too."

disclaimer part deux: I don't own Prozac or Zoloft. Just thought it'd be funny for the intro. Was it funny? I thought it was funny. LAUGH YOU BASARDS!

smack!

p.s.- SUPER COOL HAPPY SPECIAL FUN OFFER! Visit my profile to receive instructions on joining an online group (it's free, private and voluntary) that will deliver news on all SC2: WMM updates and other niceties. VIEW THE PROFILE!


	6. That Ain't Cool

disclaimer- I do not own any legal rights and/or copyrights regarding the Soul Calibur series. Also, I've run out of truly funny disclaimers. Damn.

Nor do I own any rights regarding Skittles, except the right to throw the green ones at people I don't like.

apology- Genya is deeply sorry this chapter took so freaking long to post. College began to interfere, as well as the time leading up to college. Fear not, loyal fans, for she hath returnéd to thee with fresh material… and SKITTLES!

apology again- Sorry, Genya is not providing Skittles for everyone. You'll have to buy your own.

And now, with no further and pointless ado, Illusory Studios is suing the psychiatrists who said they were perfectly sane and in excellent mental condition to post

CHAPTER SIX: THAT AIN'T COOL.

Ivy, Taki and Xianghua left the now-trashed back room, rather intent on finding Talim.

"Poor girl, probably lost and alone or somewhere, crying her eyes out." Xianghua sighed. Ivy merely rolled her eyes in response.

"Talim can take care of herself." the ice-cold dominatrix said. Taki shared a measure of Xianghua's worry.

"She's fine in a fight, but the girl doesn't know how to defend herself from the jungle of sick, horny bastards out there. Some of them can be pretty charming when they want to be."

The other two nodded in agreement.

"Well," Ivy began, "I'd like to refresh myself with a quick drink before we head off."

"Okay, we'll wait for you outside." Taki said as Ivy made a beeline for the bar. Leaning against it (and drawing the sex-starved eyes of every patron in there), Ivy placed her order.

"Barkeep! Scotch neat, and make it snappy." she barked out sharply. In a flash of light, a sleek and silvery blade sank into the bar beside Ivy.

"You would dare to dishonor me and my bar?"

_+slurp+_

"Oooh! Two pretty girls in miniskirts! This must be my lucky day." Heihachi thought, licking his lips beneath his ample black hood.

And, indeed, there were two lovely ladies, clad in sleeveless white shirts and matching miniskirts were making their way delicately up the dusty main road. The fine lass in front looked to be a bit older, her proud bearing brimming with confidence and determination.

The girl behind her, however, looked more than a little annoyed. Delicate shoulders slumped, slim arms limp and beautiful brows knit closely together, her very aura seemed irate.

All in all, an easy target. Heihachi stepped out in front of them and made his move.

"Pardon me, young ladies, but I couldn't help but notice that you're new in town. Perhaps you could use a guide?" he asked, secretly casting his eyes up and down the pair.

"Oh, that would be lo---" the girl in back began, perking up a bit before she was cut off by the older woman.

"Don't worry, Cassandra, I'll handle this." she said, briefly turning to face Cassandra before returning her attention to Heihachi.

"Would you care for my services as a guide?" the old man offered again.

"We would delight in your company, kind sir." the first girl answered. Smiling with thoughts of naughtiness, Heihachi bowed slightly and turned to begin the tour.

_+slurp+_

Kilik's eyes snapped open. He grasped Yoshimitsu's shoulder tightly, the magic ninja's muscles flinching in response.

"Don't mess with the driver, man!" Yoshi yelled over his shoulder.

"There is no time for anger, my odd friend."

"Odd? What the?"

"I have felt a great amount of despair emanating from the south."

"Soooo?" Yoshi asked. Kilik drew in a deep, calming breath before explaining the situation.

"Despair is a negative force, one that leads down the path of fear. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to---"

"I don't get it."

Kilik stopped dead, his mystical and calm aura slowly piddling out on him. Voldo picked up where Kilik had left off.

"Hiss, iss ss, hiss iss." (Someone is sad, sad enough to get really mad and kick some ass.)

"Sad, eh?" the mystical spaz contemplated. As the Lightbulb of Epiphany slowly crackled to life, Yoshi wheeled his camel southward.

"Hess?" (What now?)

"Who do we know that cheers up by hitting things?"

"Ssss." (That's a long list, man."

"Dude, Sieg!"

"Hiss." (Riiiight.)

_+slurp+_

"There's my home," Talim said weakly, pointing to a small, white house, slightly in need of a fix-up. "It's not much, but it's the best I can do."

"Oh, that's all right." Raphael patted Talim's back gently, reassuring her. He stepped up to the door and tested the lock. Nothing the unlocked status of the door, he did the gentlemanly thing and opened it for Talim. Blushing, she walked inside. The small girl paused after entering, turning slightly to look up into Raphael's eyes.

"Uhm, if you, I mean, do you think you, ah, maybe…" Talim stammered, skin flushing more and more with each word. A small smile from the Frenchman halted the stammered speech, simultaneously causing the girl to turn around in embarrassment.

"If you'd like me to stay and help you sort things out, I would be delighted."

"Oh, okay. Yeah, I'd like that."

_+slurp+_

A low, gravelly voice slowly rose in a sorrowful lament, waves of anguished sound spreading a long and depressing dirge for a broken heart.

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout…"

Or not.

:Sieg, you suck.:

_+slurp+_

Ivy blinked rapidly. Standing across from her, naked katana buried in the old wood of the bar, was Mitsurugi. Once the blinking had given her mild eyelid cramps, Ivy regained her bitchy dominatrix composure.

"I don't really care about your foolish honor. Give me a scotch neat and I shall let you keep your head." Ivy snarled. Mitsurugi glared harshly at Ivy, ripping his katana from the wood of the bar and sheathing it, ducking behind the bar. After a moment's clattering and clinking of glass, he rises with a glass of scotch and sets it down in front of Ivy. The leather-bound whipstress downs the drink in one fell swoop, placing the glass rim-down on the bar.

"Put in on my tab." Ivy says, a devilish glint in her eye. She swiftly exits the bar, joining Taki and Xianghua.

Mitsurugi can do nothing but glare at Ivy as she swishes her way out of the brand-new batwing doors.

_+slurp+_

Yoshimitsu pulls his camel to an abrupt halt, rather forcing Voldo to slam into the hairy beast.

"Hisss!" (Watch it, jerk!)

"The sorrow here is overwhelming." Kilik stated gravely, dismounting gracefully from the camel's back. Yoshi hopped off of the animal, staring into the deep black depths of the desert cave.

"Eeep." the magic ninja gulped. Kilik tightened his grip on Kali-Yuga, stepping forward into the darkness, expression firm and eyes filled with raw determination. Voldo, shrugging slightly, walked in behind Kilik, dragging Yoshimitsu in by his wrist.

_+slurp+_

Raphael took a seat on the old, worn couch near Talim, sitting within arm's reach of the young girl, noting that her eyes were still a bit red from crying. He placed a hand between them, letting it rest on the age-worn cloth.

Talim ignored the hand and threw herself on Raphael's shoulder, tears starting up all over again.

"I'm so sorry. I—I'm just, well, it's just been horrible!" Talim sniffled. Raphael took her slim hand gently into his own, using his other hand to lovingly stroke her hair.

"There, there, it's all right." the fencer consoled, softly kissing the part in Talim's hair.

She jumped, gasping in a short breath, eyes wide.

"Was that too much?" he asked, drawing back slightly from Talim.

"Uhm, yes, a little." she replied, cheeks flushing anew with red as she spoke. Raphael slid his arm down to wrap around Talim, stopping just above the small of her back.

"My apologies. It won't happen again." A warm and comforting hug encompassed Talim. The small girl curled up in Raphael's arms and, while it felt good to be held and comforted, she couldn't shake off the feeling that something wasn't quite right.

_+slurp+_

Seung Mina struck the ground with the butt of her naginata. Tossing a hefty bag stuffed with jingling coins down in front of her, she grinned evilly.

"Remember, I want the target dead, and don't harm a single hair of the partner. Got it?" Mina asked the shadows across from her, one of her hands placed on the closed entry flap of the dusty tent she was in. A dark, shadow-shrouded hand reached out and gripped the sack of gold, the sound of knuckles rapping on the dirt answering Mina's question.

"Good." she said, leaving the darkness of the tent and returning to the sun's harsh glare.

p.s.- I'd like to thank you all for your patience, and for putting up with me. Thank you very, _very_ much for the reviews (I'm not worthy), tips and advice (still not worthy). Sorry if this chapter wasn't exactly up to par with the rest, I'll try to make up for it in chapter seven which will, by Skittle, be up a lot sooner than this chapter.


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